Op-Ed: I’m Pretty Sure That Zayn’s New Single Is About The Magical Night We Spent Together

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As everyone who’s anyone knows, the literal GOD who is Zayn Malik released his first solo single Friday. Following its release, two things have come to light: For one thing (get it? like their song? haha), One Direction is officially without its token Bradford Bad Boy. How can we go on without the brooding, artsy, tortured soul we all came to love? It’s definitely tragic, but there are more pressing issues at hand.*

More importantly, this song signifies that Zayn is going public with something that has been on the DL for months. That’s right, as I’m sure most of you who follow my vlogs have guessed by now, Zayn wrote PILLOWTALK about the absolutely ethereal night that we spent together last November.

Sounds crazy, right? WRONG. If you don’t believe me, maybe you should look into yourself and figure out where that doubt is coming from. Can someone say deep-seated insecurity manifesting as jealousy toward the only girl Zayn will ever love??

The fact is, when I found Zayn outside of a deli in his hometown, at 18:43 (that’s how they write the time in England lol) on that starry evening nearly four months ago, he turned to his sister Doniya (age 24) and said, “Christ, I can’t go anywhere without them following me. It’s like a war zone of prepubescent girls.”

W a r z o n e.

For those of you who are piteously unfamiliar with his new single, I’ll elaborate. Zayn sings, “It’s our paradise / and it’s our war zone,” in each chorus. Coincidence?? Absolutely not. That is a direct allusion to the glories of that mid-November soiree during which we locked eyes for the second time (the first being the Up All Night Tour duh lol).

Need I elaborate further? No, but I will. Just so the haters *cough, Jenny* stop posting on my timeline about Zayn and his FAKE girlfriend Gigi Hadid. Has no one heard of management? Zayn doesn’t want the jealous idiots to bully me online, so he’s making Gigi take the hits. DUH. He’s so protective over me :3.

ANYWAY, he goes on to sing, “So we’ll piss off the neighbours [again, British spelling haha].” Ummm, did nobody else piece this together? Zayn doesn’t have “neighbours.” He’s a fucking billionaire!! He can afford to live anywhere! He doesn’t have peasants living within 13.4 kilometers of him. But do you know who DOES have neighbours? Are you getting it now? It’s me, dummies! He’s referring to my house, and my neighbours! He doesn’t even care that I have 3 years of high school left :).

So there you have it. PILLOWTALK is blatantly about me, and I want to thank you all in advance for keeping this under wraps. Zayn and I are really very happy, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention this to Zayn because he likes to think of it as our little secret.

See you on the interwebz, babes! Follow me on twitter @bb_grl_directioner.

.Xx Audrey 🙂

*If you’re looking for coping tips, follow my blog Larry-Stylinson-s3xplosion.tumblr.com.