Murderer Murdered In Prison, Never Repeats Offense
SAN QUENTIN, CA — Danny Feroz, a notorious California hitman convicted of 12 homicides, was stabbed to death in the cafeteria of San Quentin State […]
Everyone In Group Project Only Person Who Does Anything
WESTWOOD—Citing Brian’s lack of reliability and Julie’s poor speaking ability, multiple sources confirmed Wednesday that every party involved in group three’s Spanish 100 project is […]
Frat Boy Fears Commitment On Valentine’s Day Too
WESTWOOD—Waking up next to yet another drunken hookup, third-year frat brother Tanner McCormick confessed to reporters he was not interested in pursuing a long term […]
Billionaire Casually Takes Snickers From Hotel Room Mini Bar
LAS VEGAS—Exhibiting utter disregard for the exorbitantly inflated price tag, billionaire media magnate Emil Donovan casually took a Snickers from the fully-stocked minibar of his […]
Paris Officially Creeped Out You Haven’t Changed Your Profile Picture Yet
FACEBOOK—Noting that its presence as a social event had long since run its course, Paris reported last night that your profile picture, still emblazoned with […]
Study: All High School Janitors Actually Philosophers
LA JOLLA, CA—Researchers at the University of California, San Diego, announced the results of a comprehensive ten year study that proves without a doubt that […]
Report: Most LA Children In Favor Of Expanding Choo-Choo Train Lines
LOS ANGELES—Citing a severely underdeveloped public transportation network, a survey released by the Los Angeles Department of Transportation (LADOT) Tuesday found that at least 65% […]
How To Have The Perfect Valentine’s Day In College
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! Whether you’re in a relationship or still waiting for that Special Someone, here are some tips for having […]
Satirical Newspaper Shamelessly Promotes Own Bake Sale
WWW.WESTWOODENABLER.COM—Withholding all regard for professionalism and self-respect, satirical newspaper “The Westwood Enabler” published an article about its Valentine’s Day bake sale today, an act […]
Tips For Finding Next Year’s Roommate
It’s that time of year again! Here are the Enabler’s tips for finding the perfect roommate. Reassure potential roommates by explaining the ways in which […]