Tips For Finding Next Year’s Roommate

(Credit: Nicolas Huk)
(Credit: Nicolas Huk)
(Credit: Nicolas Huk, Flickr)

It’s that time of year again! Here are the Enabler’s tips for finding the perfect roommate.

  • Reassure potential roommates by explaining the ways in which you are not part of an organ harvesting ring.
  • Screen for potential roommates by asking a series of simple questions, like whether they smoke, how often they clean, and how cool they are with you watching them sleep.
  • Pick someone who you can masturbate next to comfortably.
  • Choose someone who produces various odors that are similar to yours, so that you can never be blamed or singled out for a smell.
  • Bring a rabid wolf to your next club meeting. Anyone who survives demonstrates independence and resourcefulness, which are both excellent traits in a roommate.
  • Find someone with a compatible blood type.
  • Choose the person you’d be most comfortable sitting in oppressive silence in the same room with for hours at a time. (Note: Make sure you have nothing in common. That way you will can avoid speaking with them ever.)
  • Female students: find someone ugly so that you can be the pretty roommate and get the best guys. However, make sure this person does not have a tragic backstory that has filled her with wisdom. This is to ensure that she does not undergo a makeover halfway through the year based on a bet made by the most desirable man in school and then attract said man by her deep, philosophical views on life and society.
  • Pick someone who’s witnessed you do something illegal. Roommates can’t be compelled to testify against each other in court.
  • Make a list of everything that is wrong with your current roommate. Never show it to them.
  • Choose someone hypoglycemic so you can chow down on their emergency Snickers Bars.
  • Stand on an ottoman. The taller you are, the more impressive you will seem to a potential roommate.
  • Find someone sedentary so you can feel better about your 30 minutes of light cardio twice a week.
  • Male students: consider going co-ed. Girls don’t poop, so you’ll have the bathroom all to yourself.