How To Have The Perfect Valentine’s Day In College

(Credit: LibAmanda, Flickr)

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! Whether you’re in a relationship or still waiting for that Special Someone, here are some tips for having a great time on a college budget.

  • Profess your love to your significant other by writing a song about them. Specifically, about exactly when, but not how, they will die.
  • Enter the modern age of romance by electronically sending your valentine their card, chocolates, flowers, and physical intimacy.
  • Reenact Legolas/Gimli erotica.
  • Feed her food she’s allergic to before whipping out an EpiPen—girls love being saved.
  • For a cheap date idea, gently whisper “Prepare your anus” before inserting a finger, pencil, etc.
  • Take your significant other out for a dinner at the finest dining establishment you can afford. Big Macs and french fries look very romantic next to candlelight.
  • Avoid kidnapping and/or assault if possible.
  • Make this Valentine’s Day one your date will never forget by breaking up with them.
  • Give some roses to your RA! A whole bouquet, pressed right up to their face next time you see them. They are allergic to roses. You know this. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” you whisper, their mouth wheezing in silent fear and their tears pooling in loud agony as hives invade their throat and face. “At last, you are loved.”
  • Masturbate somewhere where you’re likely to be found—if someone sees you, you didn’t masturbate alone, and that’s kind of like fucking.
  • Whoop de doo. You have a date for Valentine’s day with your “SO” and you want to make it “special.” Blah blah blah, “I have a date.” We get it, Julia. Stop rubbing it in everyone’s faces.
  • Celebrate with yourself! Be the best ‘you’ you can be. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so you better start lovin’ you, Sunshine!