Op-Ed: Iowa, Explained By The Most Popular Girl In Middle School

When I got to school on Monday, everyone was talking about Iowa. Great. last time I checked, I was the cool new girl who worked her way up to the top of Hillsview Middle School’s social pyramid by backstabbing others and posting suggestive photos on Snapchat. I hadn’t even met Iowa yet, but I knew I had worked way too hard for her to knock me down to second-tier status. Do you know who is considered second-tier? Brittney. She wears capris from the Gap and her dad is a used car salesmen.

During first period, Michelle said that her parents were talking about Iowa last night at the dinner table. The dinner table? That’s an untapped market of popularity. Sure, it’s one thing to be popular at school, but it’s another thing to be well-liked with parents. Apparently Morgan told her dad I called him a “dilf” and now I’m not allowed in carpool anymore. The worst part is that I don’t even know what a dilf is, I just heard these two girls on MTV2 talking about them and it sounded like a word popular girls use. Ugh. If Iowa is more liked than me at school and in the neighborhood I may as well just transfer schools now.

But just when I thought all hope was lost, I learned that Iowa is actually just a state. Not an important one (LOL!), just one of those random ones in the middle where farmers don’t have Wi-Fi and people marry their cousins. Phew! Now that the whole thing is over, I’m kind of impressed with Iowa. I mean, the state become super popular super quick; and as the most popular girl at school I can kind of relate. The whole situation is just very #relatable (do these work on here??). It’s just nice to know that both Iowa and I will always be popular, as things should be.

Wait, who is this bitch New Hampshire?