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4 Things I Refuse To Apologize For After Being Held Hostage By The Pirates Of The Caribbean Animatronics For 93 Days

February 4, 2025 Azalea Morris 0

At first, I was ashamed. I was mortified. For years and years I hid in the shadows. I felt… embarrassed. I was embarrassed by all […]

Fine, Sure, Whatever: The Bear Wins Grammy for Song of the Year

February 3, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

LOS ANGELES — In a shocking upset, FX’s “The Bear” has won this year’s Grammy Award for Song of the Year. “I don’t really know […]

Ariana Grande Turns White After Eating Really Good Meatloaf

February 2, 2025 Dana Badii 0

BOCA RATON, FL – Ethnically ambiguous queen Ariana Grande has become white again after taking a bite of good ol’ fashioned meatloaf. “Well, golly! I […]

Enabler Reviews: The Arrival Of A Train At La Ciotat (1896)

January 31, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

Movies. They’ve been around for over 100 years and have given us universally lauded classics like “The Godfather,” “Parasite,” and “Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.” […]

Lucky Color! My Period Falls During Lunar New Year

January 29, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

In Chinese culture, red represents good fortune, prosperity, and vitality. So I guess my period starting fifteen minutes into a two-hour lecture today means my […]

Student Starves To Death After Rendez Burrito Preparation Took Too Long

January 28, 2025 Amanda Baquir 0

WESTWOOD — Last Tuesday, first-year Labor Studies major Eleanor Rivera tragically passed away from starvation after her Rendezvous West chicken burrito took too long to […]

Heartbreaking: Newborn Really Named Kyle

January 27, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

JACKSONVILLE, FL — New “boy mom” Karen Shields recently shocked her Facebook friends by announcing the birth of her terribly named son, Kyle. “When my […]

Fire Stuck In Traffic Trying To Get Through Sepulveda Pass

January 23, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

Opinion: Stealing Is Morally Wrong Unless It’s From The Hilltop Shop

January 22, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

The Hilltop Shop is essential to surviving on the Hill. Need laundry detergent? Cheeto Puffs? A month-old refrigerated sandwich? You go to the Hilltop Shop. […]

‘Banana Peel Killer’ Sentenced to Death by Wet Floor

January 21, 2025 Paige Reed 0

BAKERSFIELD, CA — On Wednesday, serial murderer Anabel Pane, labeled the ‘Banana Peel Killer’ on social media due to her unconventional, cartoonish methods, received an […]

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  • Flakers Anonymous Reports Record Low Attendance

  • Consulting Clubs Consulted On What The Fuck They Actually Do

    WESTWOOD — UCLA’s ten thousand consulting clubs recently came under fire when they were consulted on what their clubs really do besides pose for headshots […]

  • Man With Fragile Ego Sits In Waymo Driver’s Seat

    WESTWOOD — While returning home from a failed driver’s license test, aspiring Cybertruck owner Grant T. Otto broke Waymo’s ‘rider rules’ by climbing into the […]

  • Angeleno Prepares For Storm By Already Driving Like Shit

    WESTWOOD — In preparation for this week’s rare October storm, one local resident has decided to take up driving like shit in order to lessen […]

  • Uh Oh! Student’s Twelfth Grandparent Just Died

    WESTWOOD — Last Sunday, second-year Microbiology, Immunology, and Molecular Genetics major Calvin Dozer revealed that his Step-Step-Grandpappy just died, making this the twelfth grandparent dead […]

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Georgia McNeill
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