
Movies. They’ve been around for over 100 years and have given us universally lauded classics like “The Godfather,” “Parasite,” and “Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.” And with the Oscars approaching, I think now’s the best time to watch every single movie ever created, starting from 1896’s “Arrival of a Train.”
Cinephiles, AMC A-Listers, and movie losers agree that this is one of the most foundational pieces in the motion picture canon. They’re all delusional.
I know it was a “different time” or whatever, but the Lumiere brothers’ gross misunderstanding of basic cinematic techniques cannot go unnoticed.
They seem to have left out sound mixers from the budget, because in the entire excruciating 50-second runtime of the film, we don’t get a little “chugga chugga chugga” or, hell, a “choo choo” for our time. The mismanagement of funds doesn’t stop there: on top of the picture’s frustrating lack of Technicolor, it seems as if the filmmakers couldn’t even afford a diesel locomotive, instead settling for a pathetic 030 PLM steam train, a model so embarrassingly primitive Thomas the Tank Engine wouldn’t associate with it.
“Arrival of a Train” is an insult to cinema. The title both spoils everything and is, frankly, not unique. “Arrival of a train?” Every train does that, idiot! Plus, with no dialogue, plot, stakes, or damsels in distress tied to the train tracks, the Lumiere brothers must believe that the audience is too stupid to comprehend even the most basic narratives. Yet you’re telling me these bonjour bastards were screaming in horror watching this? Something’s not adding up here. Remind me to never show these pussies a Marvel movie: they’d have a stroke.
But I’ll make one concession when all is said and done. This was a moving picture. So moving, in fact, that I moved straight out of the theater halfway through. 0/5 stars.