Local Five-Year-Old Realizes He Can’t Get Away With Stuff He Did When He Was Four
LOS ANGELES—Early Tuesday morning, five-year-old Joshua Chan realized he could no longer get away with stuff he did when he was four. Joshua believes his […]
UCLA School of Public Health Recommends Washing Your Damn Hands, Alex
WESTWOOD—Last week, faculty from UCLA’s College of Public Health recommended that after using the restroom Alex should wash his damn hands. “Handwashing is an easy […]
Migrant Crisis Reminds Man To Check For Ants Under Kitchen Sink
WESTWOOD—A recent article considering the migrant crisis in Western Europe reminded area man Jacob Schultz to check for ants under his kitchen sink. “They might […]
Report: Feminists Develop Less Phallic Toothbrush
WESTWOOD—Feminist entrepreneurial group, For Her Inc., announced the development of a new, less phallic toothbrush for women to be rolled out in the fall quarter […]
Website With Viruses Goes On Juice Cleanse
ONLINE—This Thursday the online forum AboutYourDog announced it was going on a juice cleanse. “I’ve just been feeling majorly bloated, and these viruses – yuck!” […]
Nation Yearning For Simpler Nixon Scandals
WASHINGTON–In the wake of revelations that United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions lied under oath during his Senate confirmation hearing regarding his 2016 meetings with […]
Tearful Jeff Sessions Puts Cheburashka Doll In Storage
WASHINGTON—Attorney General Jeff Sessions burst into tears today while hiding his Cheburashka plush doll in the bottom of a plastic storage container, anonymous White House […]
Moonlight’s Win Absolves Academy of Passive Racial Exclusivity
LOS ANGELES — Following Moonlight‘s Oscars win for Best Picture, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was happily absolved of all racial prejudice […]
White Celebrity In $100,000 Dress Wins Gold Statue For Being The Best, Denounces Trump
LOS ANGELES—A white celebrity wearing a $100,000 dress got onstage at The Academy Awards where she accepted a golden statue for being the best and […]
Nation Wishes Warren Beatty Had Announced Presidential Election
LOS ANGELES — After Warren Beatty mistakenly announced the wrong winner of Best Picture at the Oscars, Americans around the country were heard wishing that […]