Local Five-Year-Old Realizes He Can’t Get Away With Stuff He Did When He Was Four

Joshua is grappling with his newfound crisis.

LOS ANGELES—Early Tuesday morning, five-year-old Joshua Chan realized he could no longer get away with stuff he did when he was four.

Joshua believes his mother’s refusal to acknowledge his latest tantrum led to the realization. “I laid down on the floor, cried and kicked my legs around—the whole shebang, you know?” said Joshua, tracing the kitchen tiles with his finger. “She didn’t even pretend to care. I had to wipe my own snot. Can you believe it? What’s next? Does she want me to wipe my own butt too?”

Joshua’s mother, however, is grateful for her son’s new awareness. “And that pronunciation, oh god, I’m so glad he knows he can’t do that anymore. ‘Mommy, mommy, can I have a cupcape pwease [sic]?’ It gets old.” His mother paused to hold a tissue to Joshua’s younger brother’s nose. “Blow.”

While his mother tended to his brother’s every need, Joshua reminisced about his time as a four-year-old. “This one time, I punched dad in the face and he claimed I was just testing the boundaries of right and wrong. Perhaps it was my goofy, gap-toothed smile. All my baby teeth have grown in now.”

At press time, Joshua tugged on a reporter’s jeans to leave a parting comment. “Everyone told me I should be excited I was becoming a big boy; no one told me it would be this hard.”