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Point: Elderly People Shouldn’t Have To Remove Shoes At TSA Checkpoints/Counterpoint: Elderly People Are The Most Dangerous Because They Have Nothing To Fuckin’ Lose

May 1, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

Point: Elderly People Shouldn’t Have To Remove Shoes At TSA Checkpoints  by Bob Simmons Elderly people have served our society, and the aviation industry should […]

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High School Friend’s Baby Actually Kind Of Ugly

May 1, 2017 Anya Bayerle 0

WESTWOOD–While scrolling through Facebook last Wednesday, fourth-year psychobiology student Sarah Davis noted that her friend from high school’s baby was actually kind of ugly. “I’m […]

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Couple Reschedules Fight

May 1, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

WESTWOOD–Local couple Anthony Mullen and Sarah Brown were forced to reschedule their fight, which was set for Tuesday at 8:00 p.m., to a later date […]

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Empty Conditioner Bottle Goes Another Week on Shower Shelf

May 1, 2017 Hannah Ross 0

WESTWOOD—After being grabbed, shaken, and put back for the twelfth consecutive shower, an empty bottle of Pantene conditioner has managed to last another week on […]

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Student Risks It All, Assumes Summer Job Does Not Require Drug Test

May 1, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—In a display of recklessness last Sunday, second year Geography and Environmental Studies major Michaela Watkins risked it all and assumed that her upcoming summer […]

Freshman’s Sex Playlist Just The Weeknd

May 1, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD—Sources report that freshman Brian Clements has finished up curating his sex playlist consisting solely of songs by popular R&B artist, The Weeknd. “He has […]

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Op-Ed: Bruins United Probably Still Going To Win Everything

May 1, 2017 Nate Silver 0

Well, uh, there was an incident. I mean, it was a thing that happened. With Bruins United. Maybe. It’s really hard to say if there […]

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Area Man Can’t Tell If Pain “Burning” Or “Stabbing”

May 1, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES—This Tuesday, area man Oliver Howard reportedly had trouble determining if the pain in his lower abdomen was more of a “burning” or “stabbing” […]

Report: Mom Got The Good Cookies This Time

May 1, 2017 Brian McReynolds 0

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Multiple sources have confirmed that Mom just got back from the grocery store and got the good cookies this time. “What? Yeah I […]

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Local Sixth Grader Down To Last Two Pieces of Halloween Candy

May 1, 2017 Hannah Ross 0

ORLANDO, FL—After a record breaking five months and four days, local sixth grader Aiden Kelly has finally come down to his last two pieces of […]

Posts pagination

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  • Friend Who Can’t Drive Way Too Invested In Formula One

    AUSTIN, TX — This weekend, second-year Mechanical Engineering major Diem Vee posted multiple photo dumps of himself trackside at the 2025 United States Grand Prix […]

  • Ask The Enabler: Is It Too Late To Cancel My Den Pass Refund?

    Dear Westwood Enabler, I bought a Den Pass to maximize my time at UCLA and to give my uncle yet another excuse to bet on […]

  • Flakers Anonymous Reports Record Low Attendance

  • Consulting Clubs Consulted On What The Fuck They Actually Do

    WESTWOOD — UCLA’s ten thousand consulting clubs recently came under fire when they were consulted on what their clubs really do besides pose for headshots […]

  • Man With Fragile Ego Sits In Waymo Driver’s Seat

    WESTWOOD — While returning home from a failed driver’s license test, aspiring Cybertruck owner Grant T. Otto broke Waymo’s ‘rider rules’ by climbing into the […]

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