BREAKING: Katie Dropped From Theta
WESTWOOD — In an upset some are calling “once in a lifetime,” sources report that first-year Communications student Katie Moore has been dropped from Kappa […]
CEC Pledges To Figure Out How To Properly Distribute Tickets By 2020
WESTWOOD — In a statement released by the UCLA Campus Events Commission (CEC), the office’s Commissioner recognized the failure of the organization to properly distribute […]
Trump Accidentally Fires Self 200 Days In
WASHINTON, DC — Donald Trump, current President of the United States, accidentally fired himself on Monday, 200 days into his term, sources say. “In the […]
Student Gives Series Of Lap Dances While Climbing To Seat In Lecture Hall
WESTWOOD—Straddling dozens of students while shimmying his way through the lecture hall’s middle aisle, third year anthropology major Deven McFarlene gave a series of lap […]
TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students
WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be a woman in STEM these […]
Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba
LOS ANGELES — The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. […]
Friends Who Like Same Boy Comforted By Fact That Neither One Has A Chance
WESTWOOD—A potentially disastrous argument was avoided last week when two second year best friends, Rachel Makenna and Selena Atsinger, realized that neither of them has […]
Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate
DENVER — Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks of exercising as an […]
Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks
BALTIMORE — A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into pregnancy. “Our findings […]
Dining Hall Employee Getting Really Tired Of Your Shit
WESTWOOD—After multiple claims that she was getting frustrated with patrons stealing things, sneaking in, and generally causing a ruckus, dining hall employee Diane Wollman confirmed […]