Report: Cool Kids Smoke Cigarettes Again?
WESTWOOD — After nearly 60 years of steadily declining cigarette usage in the United States, a a study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology has confirmed […]
Breaking: Professor Enters Classroom With Saxophone
WESTWOOD, 10:07 a.m. — Westwood Enabler reporters have obtained disturbing reports from campus administration that a professor has entered the Boelter Hall amphitheatre with a […]
BREAKING: Rain, Shit
WESTWOOD — Contrary to all laws of nature and common sense, it is still raining in Los Angeles. Pamela Hauser, 1st year English major and […]
P: Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug That Leads To Lethargy And Memory Loss / CP: If You Didn’t Want A Hit You Could’ve Just Said So
Point: Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug That Leads To Lethargy And Memory Loss By: Lucas Thompson Marijuana is classified as a Schedule 1 drug and has […]
National Bestfriend Day Cancelled, She Knows What She Did
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the nation enters the peak of holiday season, Gabrielle Langli, Director of the Bureau of Celebration and National Holidays, has declared […]
Colored Pencils To Be Renamed Pencils Of Color
WESTWOOD — After attending her first lecture of Gender Studies 103: Knowledge, first-year undeclared major Brittney Smith took the first step towards enacting tangible change, by […]
War On Christmas Death Toll Climbs to 7,000
WASHINGTON, DC — After Gretchen Vandermint suffered a massive heart attack when a passerby wished her a happy holiday, the War on Christmas has officially claimed […]
White Freshman Takes Huge Risk With Ethnic-Sounding Entrée
WESTWOOD — Yesterday evening, caucasian first-year Ezra Bloss got the Salvadorian pupusas at De Neve dining hall. “I’ve never felt more attacked in my life,” […]
Meteorologists Struggle to Name New Hurricanes
MIAMI, FL — Rising global temperatures accompanied increased numbers of named storms this hurricane season, pushing storm-naming techniques into the center of meteorological debate. “If […]