Report: Cool Kids Smoke Cigarettes Again?

WESTWOOD — After nearly 60 years of steadily declining cigarette usage in the United States, a a study conducted by the UCLA Department of Sociology has confirmed that the cool kids are smoking cigarettes again. “I mean, I think everybody knows how nasty they are… it’s no secret that they’re full of tar, arsenic, formaldehyde, all kinds of yucky stuff. But have you seen how broody and mysterious those skater boys look when they step outside during a party and take a drag? It’s downright irresistible,” said third-year cigarette enthusiast Marcia Jacobs, who does not identify as a cool kid but did go to an underground punk show at a pop-up venue last night. “There’s also something kind of enticing about how underground cigarettes were for a while. It feels like we’re bringing back a vintage piece of American culture. They’re kind of like typewriters and cassette tapes in that way. We know they’re stupid and that resurrecting them is, for most intents and purposes, a waste of time, but like, it’s part of the scene, so what can you do?” At press time, cigarettes still caused ten times as many premature deaths among US citizens as all wars the US has ever fought combined.