Ninth Circle Of Hell Just Murphy Hall
VATICAN CITY — At a recent papal summit, Pope Francis confirmed that Murphy Hall lies within the boundaries of Hell’s most treacherous and damning circle. “You might […]
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Breaking: Professor Enters Classroom With Saxophone
WESTWOOD, 10:07 a.m. — Westwood Enabler reporters have obtained disturbing reports from campus administration that a professor has entered the Boelter Hall amphitheatre with a […]
P: It Is Our Duty To Pick Up Fallen Bird Scooters / CP: No
P: It Is Our Duty To Pick Up Fallen Bird Scooters By Edgar Montgomery Smith As residents of Westwood, it is our collective responsibility to […]
Professors Collaborate To Ruin Josh’s Life
WESTWOOD — In an impressive display of teamwork, three UCLA professors collaborated specifically to ruin Josh’s life. “Both Professor [Julian] Wakeman and Professor [Rosa] Mohamed […]
Occasional Affirmation Just Enough To Sustain Professor/Student Fantasy
WESTWOOD — An offhand affirmation recently imparted by UCLA biochemistry professor Keith Abrams to one of his students was just enough to sustain the delusional fantasy […]
Area Woman Pleased With Number of Likes on Post About Social Media Cleanse
LOS ANGELES — Amateur photographer Amber Allman was pleasantly surprised at the number of likes she received on her latest Instagram post declaring her indefinite […]
Cute! This Crafty Mom Taught Us Her DIY Methamphetamine Recipe!
BOISE — Boise, Idaho native and Mom-Extraordinaire Karen-Michelle Cooper sat down with the girls in our test kitchen to show us her fun, easy recipe for […]
CAPS Going to Need You to Postpone Mental Breakdown Until Two Months from Now
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced in an official press release that it is going to need all students to postpone their […]
Christian Fraternities Prepare for Surge in Pledges
WESTWOOD — Citing the UCLA Interfraternity Council’s unanimous decision to ban in-house frat parties involving alcohol, UCLA’s Christian fraternities are currently preparing for a massive surge […]