Professors Collaborate To Ruin Josh’s Life

WESTWOOD — In an impressive display of teamwork, three UCLA professors collaborated specifically to ruin Josh’s life. “Both Professor [Julian] Wakeman and Professor [Rosa] Mohamed had been considering such a project for a while now, and when they approached me and asked if I was interested in joining their team, I couldn’t turn such an offer down,” said professor Michael Berns, of the Student Devastation Research Group, an inter-departmental project dedicated to finding the most effective ways to break the spirits of university students. “The innovation lies in the diverse array of methods we’re using — for instance, I originally suggested that we all have our midterms on the same day, but Rosa [Mohamed] pointed out that that would give Josh the opportunity to budget his study time appropriately all quarter and complete all midterms successfully with little stress. So Julian [Wakeman] decided to assign a large research paper, make that assignment due the day of two other midterms, and only assign paper topics one week before the due date. Throw a mandatory field trip in the weekend before, and boy… Josh is gonna have a real hard time riding this one out.” At press time, Josh was found asking Professor Wakeman for a deadline extension in a cold sweat.