“How Will This Affect Saffron And Rose?” Asks Guy Trying To Form Opinion On Iran War
WESTWOOD — After hearing about America’s bombing of Iran, one man still could not pick a side to support until knowing the fate of local […]
Politics
National Guard Officer Also Bummed Westwood Village Doesn’t Have Shit To Do
WESTWOOD — After the National Guard entered Westwood Village yesterday afternoon, many soldiers were disappointed to find out that there was nothing to do in […]
Worst Couple You Know Breaks Up
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, the two worst people you know ended their months-long situationship. “All men do is cheat, lie, and make massive, outrageous, pork-filled […]
Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]
Opinion: Half The Government Is Fired And I Still Need A Real ID?
Elon Musk, If you can find any room in your Grinch-sized heart, please do your job for once. If you are trying to make the […]
Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
With the death of Pope Francis, the first “woke pope,” the cardinals will soon enter conclave to pick the newest pontifex. I liked Pope Francis. […]
“Counting To 10” And Other Woke Ideologies Sesame Street Is Using To Indoctrinate Your Kids
Well, it’s official: President Trump has signed an executive order cutting funding to PBS. And thank the canonically white God, because the hit kids’ show […]
UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals
WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]
UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine
WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]
Secret Service Visits UCLA To Prepare For 2028 Olympics And Definitely No Other Reason
WESTWOOD – When questioned about why they were lingering around campus this week, plainclothes Secret Service agents reiterated that they were just at UCLA to […]