With the death of Pope Francis, the first “woke pope,” the cardinals will soon enter conclave to pick the newest pontifex. I liked Pope Francis. You could tell he was really trying to reach out to the youth, even to the point of using queer slang, claiming there was an “atmosphere of faggotry” in the Vatican. Slay Papa! However, while there are some liberal cardinals looking to become the next queen diva of the Catholic Church, they all unfortunately believe that homosexuality is a sin. And with the declining amount of young people joining the church, can they really afford this?
I’m not gonna argue that the Bible says it’s ok to be gay or whatever. Leviticus 18:22 says “Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.” I got that from Bible.com. But the pope is God’s representative on Earth. He of all people must get a pass to have sex with as many men as he needs to in the name of Catholicism. Frankly, it would be a disservice to the hundreds of millions of Catholics out there NOT to let this new pope have hot, steamy sex with an older twunk.
Millions of closeted queer Catholics, and the even greater number that surely must be at least bicurious, are held back by the Church’s absurd refusal to give gay sex a shot. I’d be happy to help the new pope set up his Grindr account, and even scroll around with him to check out the gay scene in the eternal city of Rome. We can explore his preferences, and I’ll even try to push him towards more age-appropriate options, a rare thing in the Catholic Church.
I don’t think it will be tough to get His Holiness on board. I was an eighty-year-old virgin, I’d be desperate for some dick. I’ll even volunteer to meet up with these prospective gentlemen, and make sure their dick is good enough for His Holiness himself. All the Pope needs to do is just give it a shot.
I hope to convince the pope though a combination of mind-blowing head and acts of queer love that gay sex should be allowed in the Catholic Church. Perhaps, instead of being born with the original sin, we are all – as lyrical mastermind Lady Gaga once put it – Born This Way.
