WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The first step of recovery is admitting you have a problem, so we’re grateful for all the wonderful students telling us how much of a problem we have. The second step is running those students down with motorcycles,” shared Campus Safety Associate Vice Chancellor Steve Lurie, while gnawing on his “three-hours-without-brutalizing-teenagers” sobriety chip. “Our officers have just been struggling so much. Sheer bloodlust is difficult to curb, and we have to extend understanding, compassion, and full legal immunity to anyone suffering from this addiction.” At press time, Lurie was working on healthily avoiding possible triggers by locking all the tempting students away in Powell.