Sepi’s Files Counterproposal To Evict Steve Sann
WESTWOOD — Following efforts by the Westwood Community Council to pressure Sepi’s into leaving Westwood, the local bar and restaurant filed a counterproposal to evict […]
National
Carl’s Jr. Grounded by Carl’s Sr.
NASHVILLE — Carl’s Junior announced today that it will be closing its doors for two weeks after being grounded by Carl’s Senior. “We at Carl’s […]
Gene Block Mentioned 26 Times In Mueller Report For Some Reason
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s final report on his team’s investigation into potential links between the Trump campaign and Moscow was made public […]
Local Redditor Successfully Disproves God’s Existence
WESTWOOD — Church attendance across the United States has completely halted after a local atheist, under the username “yungkarlm4rx420,” posted an anti-religious picture on Reddit. […]
Area Man Doesn’t Skate, Dies
LOS ANGELES — Yesterday, area man John Thacher dropped dead moments after his condemnation of skateboards, not taking heed of the ramifications indicated by the […]
Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]
Bowser Claims Fatherhood Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Files Paternity Suit
KOOPA KINGDOM — Following the Trump administration’s recent deregulations in inter-franchise family law, Bowser, King of the Koopas, is seeking custody of the Teenage […]
Study: The Average Person Has Eight Spiders Crawl Into Their Mouth During Sex Every Single Year
RICHMOND, VA — A recent study commissioned by the American Arachnological Society (AAS) confirmed that an average of eight spiders crawl into a person’s mouth […]
Bill Clinton to Star in His Own Celebrity Porn Parody
NEW YORK — Former President Bill Clinton’s public relations representative announced this morning that he will be playing the star role in his own […]
Breaking: Netflix To Release New Original Series Set in the Eighties
LOS ANGELES — Popular streaming program Netflix has announced its new original project set in the Eighties. Showrunners Joseph and Joe Reiner expressed their […]