Bowser Claims Fatherhood Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Files Paternity Suit


KOOPA KINGDOM — Following the Trump administration’s recent deregulations in inter-franchise family law, Bowser, King of the Koopas, is seeking custody of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and recently filed a paternity suit to prove his alleged parentage with a DNA test.

The TMNT were generally thought to be under the care of their sensei, Master Splinter, but Bowser’s legal team has recently uncovered no evidence of Splinter applying for legal adoption of the Turtles, which is their main justification for pursuing custody.

“Jesus, I’m a fucking talking rat for Chrissakes!” said Splinter angrily while walking to his favorite pizza joint. “You know what would happen if I tried to walk into an adoption agency and adopt a bunch of giant talking turtles? They’d be like, ‘Jesus, it’s a fucking talking rat for Chrissakes!’ Gimme a break.”

Splinter’s anger was echoed by the Turtles, who are opposed to the potential upheaval of the life they’ve come to know.

In particular, Donatello had some strong opinions regarding Bowser’s motives. “The only reason he’s doing this is so he can list us as dependents on his tax returns!” he exclaimed, absentmindedly twirling his Bo staff with noticeable aggression. “Everybody knows he’s broke — kidnapping princesses all the time can’t be cheap — and since we’re pretty much self-sufficient, it’s not like he’d have to spend that much money on us. Oh, and you really think he’s not going to try and get his dirty claws on our royalties?”

“Mark my words, this is about money. All those Mario motherfuckers are crooked.”

It is worthwhile to note that the Nintendo universe has recently been experiencing an upward trend in financial crimes; just last month, longtime Mario associate Yoshi was indicted for tax fraud.

In a passionate plea to reporters, Bowser emphatically denied any self-serving intentions in his campaign to reclaim his alleged biological children. “Rawr rawr rawr, raaaawr rawr ra rawr,” said Bowser tearfully, occasionally pausing to blow his nose and immediately incinerate his handkerchief with the resulting flames. “Rawr rawr rawr. Rawr awr rawr ra rawr. Rawr!” At this point, the King of the Koopas became overcome with apparent emotion and had to recuse himself from answering further questions.

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The latest in a long line of miners, Jay stumbled upon the Westwood Enabler after accidentally mining through the floor into one of their meetings. In exchange for several precious stones, the Enabler made him editor-in-chief on the spot. Jay's hobbies include: mining for rare stones and metals, singing chanties about the miner's life, and pet photography.