Professor Valiantly Tries To Toggle Multiple Internet Tabs
WESTWOOD—Students silently supported their biology professor during lecture today as she struggled to toggle multiple tabs on Internet Explorer. “So here we have a… oh […]
Campus
Question Ignored By Entire UCLA Class Of 2019 Facebook Group
WESTWOOD–A question posed by freshman Cody Chastain has yet to receive a single like, comment or share in the four hours since it has been […]
Student Picks Up Daily Bruin To Seem Informed
WESTWOOD—Crowds gathered in what was later described as “reverent awe” when Lisa Myers, first-year biology student, picked up a copy of the Daily Bruin as if […]
Social Disaster Barely Scraped Together By Quality Salsa
WESTWOOD—In what onlookers described as a “harrowingly dull” floor event, near catastrophe struck the third floor of Gardenia Hall Thursday night when host Shawn Molina avoided […]
Student Body Breathes Collective Sigh Of Relief As Last Bruins United Campaigner Leaves Bruin Walk
WESTWOOD—Thirty thousand undergraduates at UCLA suddenly exhaled deeply, releasing a week’s worth of tension, yesterday at 3:10 p.m. when the last remaining campaigner for Bruins […]
Unsupervised Group Of Bigots Chalk Campus
WESTWOOD—With no adult supervision present at the time, an anonymous group of bigots worked late into the night to plaster the University of California, Los […]
Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit
WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by […]
Study: No One Asked for Daily Bruin’s Opinion
WESTWOOD— In a recently-published study conducted by the University of California’s Data Glossary Analysis Forum (DGAF), 0% of undergraduate students enrolled at the Los Angeles […]
John Wooden Finally Peels Off Bronze Body Paint And Leaves Pauley Pavilion
WESTWOOD—After standing motionless on a pedestal in front of Pauley Pavilion for over three years, legendary basketball coach John Wooden finally removed his bronze body […]
First-Year Declines Invitation That Would Have Been Best Night Of Life
WESTWOOD, DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES, LECHUZA BEACH—In a move that she would regret until her dying breath, first-year student Amy Milligan turned down an offer to “hang […]