Elusive UCLA_WIFI_RES Added To Orientation Scavenger Hunt
WESTWOOD — UCLA New Student & Transition Programs (NSTP) announced that they will be adding the notoriously elusive campus wireless network UCLA_WIFI_RES to “Carpe Noctem,” […]
Articles by Jack Lyons
CSO Feeling Rush After Telling Students They Can’t Smoke Weed There
WESTWOOD—UCLA Community Service Officer David Connolly reported that he was feeling quite a rush after he and his team stormed the forests behind Hitch suites […]
UCLA Students Shocked To Find Out UCLA Not In Israel
WESTWOOD — Students at UCLA expressed shock when they learned earlier today that contrary to what they had believed, UCLA is, in fact, located in […]
POINT: Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed / COUNTERPOINT: Have You Seen That Video Of The Cop Giving People Ice Cream Cones?
Point Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed By: Matt Styles Half a century after the Civil Rights Movement, black people in this […]
Local Voter Somehow Still Undecided
LOS ANGELES — Local keysmith and registered voter Adam Wells has still not decided which candidate he will support for President of the United States […]
President Reagan Hologram Booked To Perform At Republican National Convention
WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference held at the Republican National Committee headquarters earlier today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus jubilantly announced that he had […]
Nation Secedes From Texas
WASHINGTON—President Obama this morning signed into law a bill allowing the United States to secede from the state of Texas just days after the legislation […]
Clinton Campaign Builds Moat Around Fundraiser
POTOMAC, MD—Again under fire for their lavish fundraisers, Clinton campaign staffers built a moat surrounding a fundraising event at a private residence in Potomac yesterday […]
Area Highway Shocked To Find Out It Adopted
CUMBERLAND, MD—In a frantic meltdown this past Wednesday, Interstate 68—which runs through western Maryland—expressed utter disbelief when it found out it was, in fact, adopted […]
Donald Trump Vows To Make Oscars Great Again
NEW YORK CITY—In light of the Academy’s response to controversy surrounding the homogeneity of the actors and films nominated for Oscars, businessman and Republican presidential […]