Report: You On Fastest Route Possible
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY–According to Google Maps, you are on the fastest route possible despite usual traffic. “We were driving from Westwood to Burbank, and naturally, […]
Articles by Jack Lyons
Couple Reschedules Fight
WESTWOOD–Local couple Anthony Mullen and Sarah Brown were forced to reschedule their fight, which was set for Tuesday at 8:00 p.m., to a later date […]
Area Hallucinogen User Ushers In New Era Of Enlightenment
WESTWOOD—Second-year English major and notable hallucinogen user Hayden Bradley ushered in what he has proclaimed to be a new era of enlightenment for humanity following […]
TA Thanks Students For Coming To Discussion As If They Had Fucking Choice
WESTWOOD—Sources at the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that History of Modern Freeways teaching assistant and PhD student Caroline Gates thanked her students for […]
USAC Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
WESTWOOD—Members of the Undergraduate Students Associated Council (USAC) — the country’s foremost middle-eastern foreign policy experts — announced earlier today that they had successfully negotiated […]
Federal Court Blocks UCLA-Berkeley Meme Group Merger
WESTWOOD—A federal judge blocked a proposed merger of University of California Facebook meme groups “UCLA Memes For Sick AF Tweens” and “UC Berkeley Memes For […]
Incredible! This Couple Got An Omelet At Covel And Didn’t Have Sex In Line
We all know how tempting it can be to intimately embrace your partner during that long, hard wait for a sizzling, delicious omelet at Covel […]
Heartwarming: This Constituent Donated His Balls To Paul Ryan
With President Trump in the White House and the country increasingly divided, here’s some heartwarming political news we can all feel good about: one of […]
Nation Yearning For Simpler Nixon Scandals
WASHINGTON–In the wake of revelations that United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions lied under oath during his Senate confirmation hearing regarding his 2016 meetings with […]