Student Gives Series Of Lap Dances While Climbing To Seat In Lecture Hall
WESTWOOD—Straddling dozens of students while shimmying his way through the lecture hall’s middle aisle, third year anthropology major Deven McFarlene gave a series of lap […]
Month: June 2017
TA Can’t Wait To Mansplain Chemistry To Female Students
WESTWOOD—New Chemistry 144 teaching assistant Christian Lopez reportedly cannot wait to mansplain chemistry to his female students.“It’s tough to be a woman in STEM these […]
Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba
LOS ANGELES — The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. […]
Friends Who Like Same Boy Comforted By Fact That Neither One Has A Chance
WESTWOOD—A potentially disastrous argument was avoided last week when two second year best friends, Rachel Makenna and Selena Atsinger, realized that neither of them has […]
Woman Unsure If Working Out An Act of Self-Love or Self-Hate
DENVER — Considering her many different emotions regarding working out, area woman Colleen Simpson stated that she was unsure whether she thinks of exercising as an […]
Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks
BALTIMORE — A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into pregnancy. “Our findings […]
Dining Hall Employee Getting Really Tired Of Your Shit
WESTWOOD—After multiple claims that she was getting frustrated with patrons stealing things, sneaking in, and generally causing a ruckus, dining hall employee Diane Wollman confirmed […]
Rendezvous DJ To Receive Lifetime Achievement Award
WESTWOOD—After years of fruitless nominations, the popular DJ of UCLA students’ favorite dining facility, Rendezvous, is finally set to receive a lifetime achievement award. “We […]
Alex Jones Announces “InfoWars: On Ice!”
NEW YORK — Well-known performance artist Alex Jones announced today that he will be taking his conspiracy peddling radio show to Madison Square Garden with […]
Study: Sunburn Suggests White Privilege Doesn’t Exist
TUSCALOOSA—Researchers at the University of Alabama have concluded, after extensive research on sunburn, that white privilege currently doesn’t exist and most likely has never existed […]