WESTWOOD—A potentially disastrous argument was avoided last week when two second year best friends, Rachel Makenna and Selena Atsinger, realized that neither of them has a chance with the boy they both like. “It all started off pretty harmlessly—we were just like, ‘oh, he’s cute, huh?’—but then I said that I actually, genuinely liked him, and Rachel said she did too, and then we just kind of stared at each other, and I felt a spark of jealousy start to burn away the edges of my affection for her. But before my jealousy could consume me like a raging forest fire, I realized that Derek is just too dreamy for either of us, and it wasn’t worth getting angry over!” said Atsinger as she looked intently at her phone and swiped left on a potential Tinder match. “Our friendship is far too valuable to let any boy get in the way. Besides, he’s just so kind and smart and good at skateboarding—he’d never go for someone as dorky as we are anyway.” At press time, Atsinger and Makenna were discussing the pros and cons of lowering their standards and settling for some freshman boys who live on their floor.