Best Ways To Stay Cool And Mysterious After Tripping Over An Electric Scooter
WESTWOOD — We’ve all been there, strutting down the sidewalk, listening to Radiohead and scowling occasionally so that people know you’ve got a dark secret, […]
Tragedy
Vacationing Asshole Wears Only UCLA-Branded Clothes
THE CARIBBEAN SEA — Passengers aboard their Christmas Cruise have complained about fifth-year political science major Braeodean Sho-Woff and his exorbitant UCLA-branded outfits, which include […]
Golden Retriever Energy! Man Diagnosed With Bone Cancer
RONALD REAGAN HOSPITAL — Local resident John Smith, a boyish man whose off-putting Hinge bio describes him as having “golden retriever energy,” has recently received […]
Rivalry Game Held at Actual Coliseum, Features Deadly Gladiatorial Combat
ROME — Football fans were shocked on Saturday when this year’s “Battle for LA” did not take place in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, but […]
Record Label Signs Hedrick Hall Shower Singer
LA LA LAND — After a scramble for one of the most sought-after, up-and-coming artists, We The Best Music Group has secured a lucrative deal […]
Report: Strange Things Afoot
BAKERSFIELD — After an increase in sightings of shadowy figures and odd characters, many are beginning to believe that strange things are afoot. “The curse… […]
Interesting: That 7-Month Stretch Was Actually A Situationship
WESTWOOD — As third-year English major Anne Cloyne checked fellow student and love interest Robert Dikk’s Snapchat score for the fifth time in ten minutes, […]
“Heyy Girly!! Do You Mind If I Use Your First Aid Kit?” Asks Roommate Bleeding To Death
WESTWOOD — Third-year physics major Annabel Brown texted her roommate asking for permission to use her first aid kit Thursday, as she lay bleeding to […]
Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan
WASHINGTON D.C. — Seeking to expand on the “No Child Left Behind” educational program, Senate Republicans have rolled out “No Child Left Unshot.” “We think […]
Tucker Carlson Applies For Job At Daily Bruin
WESTWOOD — Emails leaked this morning revealed that Tucker Carlson has been making pleas for a permanent position at the Daily Bruin. “The woke mob […]