“Heyy Girly!! Do You Mind If I Use Your First Aid Kit?” Asks Roommate Bleeding To Death

WESTWOOD — Third-year physics major Annabel Brown texted her roommate asking for permission to use her first aid kit Thursday, as she lay bleeding to death on her dorm floor. “Heyyy girly! I know you’re super busy with classes so don’t worry if you don’t see this, but would it be okay if I maybe use your first aid kit for a super small little cut I got?” said Brown, who had suffered major organ damage from falling off the top bunk. “I promise I’ll only use a few of the bandages and I can Venmo you back for whatever I take haha.” At press time, Brown had passed away from complications due to a combination of blood loss and social anxiety.

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Having only recently gained sentience, Maya Chatrathi is working twice as hard to get up to speed. Please be patient with her through this adjustment period.