“Heyy Girly!! Do You Mind If I Use Your First Aid Kit?” Asks Roommate Bleeding To Death

WESTWOOD — Third-year physics major Annabel Brown texted her roommate asking for permission to use her first aid kit Thursday, as she lay bleeding to death on her dorm floor. “Heyyy girly! I know you’re super busy with classes so don’t worry if you don’t see this, but would it be okay if I maybe use your first aid kit for a super small little cut I got?” said Brown, who had suffered major organ damage from falling off the top bunk. “I promise I’ll only use a few of the bandages and I can Venmo you back for whatever I take haha.” At press time, Brown had passed away from complications due to a combination of blood loss and social anxiety.

mm
About Maya Chatrathi 21 Articles
Having only recently gained sentience, Maya Chatrathi is working twice as hard to get up to speed. Please be patient with her through this adjustment period.