WESTWOOD — We’ve all been there, strutting down the sidewalk, listening to Radiohead and scowling occasionally so that people know you’ve got a dark secret, when all of a sudden a scooter comes out of nowhere and viciously takes out your ankles. What you have to remember is EVERYONE was watching. They all saw you trip, and they’re all laughing at you. At that moment your mysterious loner aura is in jeopardy. So, what do you do?
1. Kill everyone.
To maintain your image as the popular lone wolf who is still friends with everyone, you need to John Wick every person who even had the slightest chance of seeing your moronic incident. This includes children. You can’t let them grow up and tell people what they saw.
2. Start running.
If you’re fast enough, no one will see your dumb face. If you’re not fast enough, though, then you’re the freak who got caught tripping AND running. Do NOT do this if you’re gassy or have weird legs.
3. Jump into oncoming traffic.
If you get railroaded by a Kia Soul and live, people can’t help but feel bad for you and forget your embarrassing moment. Plus, if you die, then no image to worry about anyway: win-win.
4. Destroy the scooter.
Let the people around you witness just a taste of the beast inside. Let out a shriek and demolish the scooter, giving everyone a glimpse into your dark reality. This is just a taste though… if people saw the whole you… well… nevermind.
5. Embrace the fruits of life and the absence of inhibitions.
Shake off that facade you’re carrying around and embrace that no one’s perfect, least of all you, so you may as well live as if no one’s watching. Even though they all are. And if this acceptance isn’t enough, you can always go back to assassinating children.