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Biden Administration Demands Ceasefire In Gaza: “But It’s Chill If Not No Worries”

March 13, 2024 Georgia McNeill 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an announcement from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that the attack on Rafah would proceed despite international pressure, the Biden administration […]

Filthy Stinking Liar Doesn’t Actually Have To Sneeze

March 12, 2024 Maya Chatrathi 0

WESTWOOD — Local student and wretched deceiver Al Ergiess showed his true colors on Wednesday when he appeared to prepare for a sneeze that ultimately […]

Local White Boy Makes Big Splash In Intramural Dodgeball Scene

March 11, 2024 Barrett Willet 0

WESTWOOD — As the winter quarter IM season wraps up, overly competitive white boys who have never had success in real sports are experiencing the […]

A Win For Diversity! This White Latina Thinks She Is A POC Because Her Parents Can Make Empanadas

March 8, 2024 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year white Latinx student Layla Rodriguez barged into a conversation about racism to share her experience growing up as a person of color […]

Person wearing jansport backpack

What Your Backpack Says About You, Including When And Where You Enjoy Your Last Breath

March 6, 2024 Jaden Weinstein 0

A student’s choice of backpack arguably decides the path they take for the rest of their miserable life. What you pick to stow your laptop […]

5 Reasons Your Door Lock Is Always Mad At You

March 5, 2024 Constanza Montemayor 0

Every day you come home and your door lock just refuses to tell you what it’s upset about this time. Juggling the day’s groceries in […]

“SHE’S FINE!” And 3 More Things To Yell At Bystanders While Your Bestie Barfs In A Planter

March 4, 2024 Ella Cash 0

It’s Thirsty Thursday and your bestie’s thirst has been more than sufficiently quenched by Tito’s and lukewarm vending machine Diet Starry. Her face is buried […]

Woman Unpleasant To Talk To Even After She’s Had Her Coffee

March 1, 2024 Maya Chatrathi 0

LOS ANGELES — Linda Caprice, a 43-year-old mother of two and proud owner of a “Don’t Talk To Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee” mug, […]

Student Caught Taking Banana Out Of BPlate Fatally Shot

February 28, 2024 Anonymous 0

WESTWOOD — Following changes in UCLA dining policy, second-year physiological science major Hannah Dunham was fatally shot Tuesday after being caught smuggling a banana out […]

I Lived It: Guy I Told My Friends About Has Only One Instagram Post From 2018

February 27, 2024 Sabrina Ellis 0

It seemed too good to be true. And I was right. After two dates, the guy from that meet-cute dream encounter gave me his Instagram […]

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  • Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory

    BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]

  • A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You

    Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]

  • Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured

    PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]

  • I Lived It: Blackout Was Nothing Like The Cake From De Neve

    WESTWOOD — ‘Twas the first Thursday of the quarter. I had just spent a whirlwind night with the rankly perspiring men of Sigma Nu, but […]

  • One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture

    WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]

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