Filthy Stinking Liar Doesn’t Actually Have To Sneeze

WESTWOOD — Local student and wretched deceiver Al Ergiess showed his true colors on Wednesday when he appeared to prepare for a sneeze that ultimately never arrived. “That rotten traitor took us all for a ride! He scrunched up his face, held his elbow up, made a whole show of it. Meanwhile, the rest of us paused our conversation out of respect and mentally prepared to bless that fraud like the good Catholic boys we are,” said Paul Enne, longtime friend and tissue provider to Ergiess. “Little did we know we were being strung along by a false prophet, and the sternutation in question would never arrive. You think a sudden deflation and a ‘Sorry, false alarm’ is going to cut it? If you raise your elbow around someone, you better let that shit spray. What am I supposed to do now with the ‘bless you’ I had locked and loaded?” At press time, Enne had eventually sneezed, but everyone pretended not to hear it.

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Having only recently gained sentience, Maya Chatrathi is working twice as hard to get up to speed. Please be patient with her through this adjustment period.