5 Reasons Your Door Lock Is Always Mad At You

Every day you come home and your door lock just refuses to tell you what it’s upset about this time. Juggling the day’s groceries in your arms, you make a couple hasty passes with your BruinCard and no dice — what could you have done to get the full cold shoulder? Not to worry, the Westwood Enabler has got you covered with this handy checklist in case you’ve found yourself pushing her buttons.

1. You forgot your anniversary

God damn it, you just can’t seem to remember those special digits for your special lady. Hasn’t it been one month since you moved in? Six? We don’t need to tell you you’re in the wrong here — the date’s coded right into the keypad. Maybe if you rush to the grocery store you can still scrounge up some measly flowers, you bastard.

2. You swiped in through the lobby door first

You said it’d be the last time. You said she was the only one. Now she can still taste the floozy downstairs when you’re coming home at the end of the day. When will you give her a happy ending?

3. She might be into your roommate

Maybe he’s just figured it out, and she’s sick of your stabby, millisecond motions. You should just give him your blessing and find a bench outside, because it’s only going downhill from here.

4. You’re swiping in just to leave in a few minutes

It’s all about “just getting in and out” and “grabbing the pen you forgot.” Me, me, me — that’s all you think about, huh?

5. You opened the relationship

Imagine her surprise when she found out you decided to let your friend swipe in while you were out of town — sure, the “hamster needed feeding” or your “carbon monoxide alarm was going off” — say all the excuses you want, but she’s done with you after this one. Does a signed lease mean nothing anymore?