What Your Backpack Says About You, Including When And Where You Enjoy Your Last Breath

Person wearing jansport backpack

A student’s choice of backpack arguably decides the path they take for the rest of their miserable life. What you pick to stow your laptop and nothing else has ramifications that many scholars fail to consider when beginning their careers at a prestigious (or next best thing) university. To help the masses, The Westwood Enabler has put together this list to clear up the confusion, and maybe predict your future…

1. Jansport

You are a little baby bitch. Sorry, had to say it. You really couldn’t let go of that dirty sack you’ve been dragging around since middle school? LET IT GO. The strap is fraying, there’s coffee stains all over it, and don’t even consider putting those old ass tissues anywhere near your face. There’s no way it’s going to make it through four years of intentionally skipping class and just sleeping through them.

2. Fjällräven Kånken

You think you’re better than me? Oh look at you, hoity-toity expensive backpack, you’re really trying to prove something. I’ll even look it up…. $90 for that tiny pouch? You can’t even fit any of your textbooks in there, or let me guess… You get Inclusive Access on all your books. Now I know whose parents own the S&P 500.

3. The North Face

You will pass at exactly 3:54 a.m. at Cedars Sinai Hospital on December 21, 2046. Your atherosclerosis, otherwise known as coronary artery disease, will reach its final stage. Your mistress and your mother will be the only ones who will come to see you. Why did you do this to them? How could you screw over everyone you love? They do so much for you and this is how you have chosen to repay them. The end of your life and nothing to show for it, all because you had to have the Borealis.