Post-’90s Decline Of Wallet Chains Leading To Millennial Spike In Wallet Theft
DES MOINES, IA — According to a recent study conducted by the Institute for the Research on Residual ’90s Influences, the annual rate of wallet […]
University Of California Divests From Self
OAKLAND—Declaring that they can no longer support an institution invested in companies that facilitate civil rights abuses and climate change among other issues, the UC board […]
The Enabler Asks You: Bcaf’s New Turkey Sandwich
A petition to bring back Bcaf’s old turkey sandwich recipe has gained nearly 400 supporters. Though the original sandwich was criticized for its high sodium content, […]
Students Disappointed At Enormous Activities Fair’s Lack Of Enormous Activities
WESTWOOD—“I’ve never felt so bitterly disappointed in my life,” said freshman Emily Offshore. Like many others, Offshore visited UCLA’s Enormous Activities Fair (EAF) to view the […]
Obama Makes Cuts To Length Of Day
WASHINGTON—Citing the immense cost it takes to power the sun as well as a lack of sun-related job creation, president Obama announced today that the […]
I Will Dump A Bucket Of Ice Water On My Head For Whatever Cause, I Don’t Care
These days, it seems you can’t go a minute without hearing about the Ice Bucket Challenge. Everywhere you look, there’s some celebrity with a “wacky […]
Campus Wet
WESTWOOD—Flooded with what has been described as “a whole bunch of water”, parts of campus were closed yesterday because they got all wet and they […]
‘Gaping Death Pit’ Swallows Dozens Of Graduating Seniors
WESTWOOD—Following reports of several missing graduates, a search and rescue operation carried out by the Los Angeles Fire Department this morning revealed a total of […]
Kenyan Olympian Shatters Undie Run Record
WESTWOOD—In what commentators are describing as a “fantastic return to form”, former Olympic gold medalist Asbel Kiprop stunned the crowd tonight with a record-breaking performance […]