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Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together

December 11, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that […]

Research Indicates That Cute Girl From Class Will Notice You, Eventually

December 10, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD—Researchers from the Relationship Institute at UCLA have recently discovered empirical proof that that cute girl from class will notice you, eventually. “It’s amazing. What […]

Man Probably Going To Gym Tomorrow

December 10, 2014 Kushal Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD, CA—Area man Robert Lophis, an average student with an average body, was recently heard saying that he would go to the gym tomorrow. Those […]

Humility 1A Has 2% Passing Rate; Professor Calls It ‘The Point’

December 9, 2014 Reed MacDonald 0

WESTWOOD—For the past three years, students have been walking out of a classroom in Bunche Hall in stunned silence, feeling degraded, vulnerable, and humiliated. The […]

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Banana-Smuggling Cartel Busted At B-Plate

December 8, 2014 Tanu Srivastava 0

WESTWOOD—In a development that has left the UCLA community speechless, a banana-smuggling cartel was found early Sunday evening to be operating out of UCLA’s newest […]

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Local School Shuns Seesaw For Fat-Shaming

December 8, 2014 Saniya Anand 0

BRENTWOOD—In an unfortunate incident that drew the attention of parents and plump kids across the country, Heatherwood Elementary School’s Leslie Mitchell found himself unable to […]

Sea Creatures Invade Land; Land Creatures Encouraged To Take Flight

December 6, 2014 Luke Moran 0

EARTH—In light of the sudden mass migration of vast amounts of sea life onto the shores of the world, scientists across the globe issued statements […]

Freshman Not Yet BFFs With Roommate

December 5, 2014 Tanu Srivastava 0

WESTWOOD—Julia Lin, a UCLA freshman living in a double in Hedrick Hall, admitted today that she had not yet managed to become best friends with […]

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Professor Has Sex With Student In Exchange For Positive BruinWalk Review

December 1, 2014 Christopher Wong 0

WESTWOOD—Trying to improve his abysmally low rating on the popular instructor evaluation site bruinwalk.com Monday, UCLA Statistics professor Phil Tennyson had sexual intercourse with one […]

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Thanksgiving 2014 In Numbers

November 29, 2014 Luke Moran 0

Posts pagination

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  • A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You

    Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]

  • Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured

    PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]

  • I Lived It: Blackout Was Nothing Like The Cake From De Neve

    WESTWOOD — ‘Twas the first Thursday of the quarter. I had just spent a whirlwind night with the rankly perspiring men of Sigma Nu, but […]

  • One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture

    WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]

  • Top 5 Dining Hall Beverages That Taste Like Squirt

    For such a pathetic lay like myself, squirt comes around just about as often as this drink. Also, much like the splash zones I’ve experienced, […]

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