U.S. Sends Special Task Force To Sexually Liberate Middle East
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In light of growing concerns over the increasing volatility of the region, Middle Eastern Operations Director for US Special Forces Miguel Jackson […]
Daily Bruin Kept Completely Afloat By Crossword, Sudoku
WESTWOOD—A recent survey of Daily Bruin readership revealed that 100% of readers only picked up the award-winning student-run newspaper for its crossword puzzle and Sudoku. […]
Nation Relieved That Issues Of 2014 No Longer Matter
THE UNITED STATES—In the midst of celebrations ringing in the new year, Americans across the country are reportedly relieved to learn that the crucial issues of […]
Gene Block’s Year In Review 2014
Chancellor Block had a big year this year. Let’s take a look at some of his most memorable moments of 2014!
North Korea Launches Full-Scale Metaphorical Assault On United States
PYONGYANG—Claiming vast amounts of rhetorical power as well as the idea of a massive army, North Korean officials announced plans today to metaphorically annihilate the […]
Students Huddled In Night Powell Celebrate 3rd Consecutive Night Of Extended Laptop Battery Life
WESTWOOD—Rejoicing in what surely must have been an act of the Almighty Lord, students in Night Powell praised his Holy Name tonight as, for the […]
Local Man’s Life Transformed By Religious Bumper Sticker
LOS ANGELES—After having lived a life completely unmolested by the truth of organized religion, 43 year old lawyer Toby Gilson’s life was completely transformed last […]
Business Student Discovers God, Exploits Him For Resources
WESTWOOD—Crediting a near-death experience that brought him into the arms of the Almighty, Anderson School of Business student James Gunn announced new plans to tap […]
4 Students Found Dead In Deep Recesses of Library Stacks
WESTWOOD—In what began as a potential footnote on an extra credit paper for the course HIST151P, History of Scottish Paedophilia, 3rd year Communications major Lou […]
Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together
WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that […]