Dropped Pencil Sparks Spontaneous Rendezvous With Classmate’s Crotch
WESTWOOD — Second-year Natalia Peña had an impromptu meeting with a classmate’s crotch today after she accidentally dropped her pencil between their seats. “The whole […]
Student Takes Three-Hour-Long Twenty-Minute Nap
WESTWOOD — Third-year UCLA student Christine Rivera allegedly engaged in a twenty-minute nap for three hours early Wednesday evening after a stressful morning of classes. “I […]
Ben Carson First Neurosurgeon To Successfully Remove Own Brain
WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to boost his support among voters this past Thursday, former neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson […]
Dalai Lama’s Lives Flash Before His Eyes
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In the split second a cargo truck veered toward him, the Dalai Lama’s lives flashed before his eyes. “At first I could see a […]
Report: Ambiguity Maybe Annoying Sometimes
WESTWOOD—A recent report from the Eh Center of Studies suggests that ambiguity may be annoying sometimes. Released sometime in the last month, the report hints […]
Local Idiot Puts All Eggs In One Basket
LEIGHTON COUNTY — At the fifth morning crow of the rooster, the town crier announced that local idiot, Broderick Heavensworth, had placed all his eggs […]
House Loses Boehner, Usually Doesn’t Happen
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amidst much prolonged stress, the House of Representatives publicly lost its Boehner on Oct. 29. “This usually doesn’t happen, we promise. It’s rare to […]
Student Dresses Up As Ackerman Bathrooms For Halloween
WESTWOOD — Reports confirm that second year Linguistics major Sarah Halladay plans to dress up as the Ackerman Student Union restrooms for this year’s Halloween festivities. […]
Gene Block To Hand Out Single Hershey’s Kiss On Halloween
WESTWOOD — In a memo to UCLA and the greater Westwood communities this past week, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block announced that he will set aside […]
Obama Opens Border To El Niño
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Barack Obama signed a controversial executive order this morning to open the border for the southern climate oscillation, El Niño. The […]