Rhythmic Sounds Coming From Roommate’s Bed
WESTWOOD — Late Wednesday evening, third year Electrical Engineering student Devin Thacker reported hearing loud, rhythmic sounds coming from the bed of his roommate, Tanner […]
Thousands Of Red Solo Cups Displaced By War On Christmas
GENEVA — Since the beginning of Starbucks’ announced “War on Christmas” last week, thousands of red solo cups have left their homeland in fear of […]
Obama Deploys Troops To The Middle East Per Tradition
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In keeping with executive tradition, President Barack Obama announced on Oct. 30 that he had authorized the deployment of ground forces in […]
President Obama Gives Congress Two-Star Yelp Review
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing Congress’s inability to pass bipartisan legislation, President Barack Obama wrote an unfavorable review of the governing body on Yelp Saturday, giving […]
Dropped Pencil Sparks Spontaneous Rendezvous With Classmate’s Crotch
WESTWOOD — Second-year Natalia Peña had an impromptu meeting with a classmate’s crotch today after she accidentally dropped her pencil between their seats. “The whole […]
Student Takes Three-Hour-Long Twenty-Minute Nap
WESTWOOD — Third-year UCLA student Christine Rivera allegedly engaged in a twenty-minute nap for three hours early Wednesday evening after a stressful morning of classes. “I […]
Ben Carson First Neurosurgeon To Successfully Remove Own Brain
WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to boost his support among voters this past Thursday, former neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson […]
Dalai Lama’s Lives Flash Before His Eyes
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In the split second a cargo truck veered toward him, the Dalai Lama’s lives flashed before his eyes. “At first I could see a […]
Report: Ambiguity Maybe Annoying Sometimes
WESTWOOD—A recent report from the Eh Center of Studies suggests that ambiguity may be annoying sometimes. Released sometime in the last month, the report hints […]
Local Idiot Puts All Eggs In One Basket
LEIGHTON COUNTY — At the fifth morning crow of the rooster, the town crier announced that local idiot, Broderick Heavensworth, had placed all his eggs […]