Op-Ed: Look At Me, I’m The Captain Now
Well, well, well. Hello there. Don’t stomp your foot so hard — you’re only wasting your energy. “THERE’S A ROACH IN MY HOUSE,” you say? […]
Bruin Democrats to Install Furniture for Echo Chamber
WESTWOOD — Bruin Democrats President Melissa Hargrave informed club members this past Wednesday that the club had received enough funding to install new couches for […]
BREAKING: Paul Walker Still Dead
LOS ANGELES — In a shocking turn of events, famed actor of the “Fast and Furious” series Paul Walker is in fact still dead. “I […]
Trump Travel Ban Also Includes New Jersey
WEST ORANGE, NJ — In a series of tweets this morning, President Donald J. Trump added to his statements earlier this month regarding a revised travel […]
Study: Frat Boy Currently Grinding On You Isn’t The One
WESTWOOD — According to a recent study conducted by your girls, it does not appear that the frat boy currently grinding on you is the […]
Hero: Man Closes Wage Gap by Going Billions of Dollars in Debt!
WESTWOOD — Who knew we had a national hero in our very own Westwood? Last Friday, Pew Research reported that the wage gap between men […]
Nut Allergy Nothing Compared To Embarrassment Of Complaining At Restaurant
WESTWOOD — During a family night out, it came to the attention of area woman Leslie Simmons that the shame and public humiliation of complaining […]
Olympic Committee Reevaluates LA Bid After Seeing B-Plate Portion Sizes
MANKATO, MN – Just weeks after declaring the 2028 Olympic bid will be offered to the City of Los Angeles, International Olympic Committee President Thomas […]
BREAKING: Cousin Mark Moved Up To Adult Table
RALEIGH, NC — In a move some cousins are calling “unexpected,” area preteen Mark Carmichael was granted access to dine at the adult table for […]
Father of Pardoned Turkey Squares Off Against Trump
MANKATO, MN — After being attacked for his lack of gratitude toward President Donald Trump, area turkey Mr. Gobbles, father of recently pardoned turkey Drumstick, […]