BREAKING: Paul Walker Still Dead

LOS ANGELES — In a shocking turn of events, famed actor of the “Fast and Furious” series Paul Walker is in fact still dead. “I just kind of thought Paul would have risen again by now,” said Sue-Anne Clyde, an avid fan of “Fast and Furious” who leads the Women’s Bible Study at her local church in between attending classes for her GED. “After all, it only took Jesus three days.” Despite the four years of silence following Walker’s death, Sue-Anne says she and “all the other girls at church” are anxiously awaiting the return of their “blue-eyed messiah.” In November 2013, Walker’s body was burned beyond recognition when his car crashed into a lamp post while travelling 90 mph in a 45 mph zone.

About Kylie Kinne 15 Articles
Kylie Kinne is a fourth-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.