Donald Trump Vows To Make Oscars Great Again
NEW YORK CITY—In light of the Academy’s response to controversy surrounding the homogeneity of the actors and films nominated for Oscars, businessman and Republican presidential […]
National
Sasha Obama To Stand On Sister’s Shoulders, Run For President
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sasha Obama announced in a statement Tuesday that she plans to run for President of the United States while perched on the shoulders of […]
Study Shows Hating Justin Bieber Key To Looking Tough To Other Twelve-Year-Olds
MINNEAPOLIS—A recent study conducted by the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities shows that hating Justin Bieber is vital to looking cool to the other twelve-year-olds. […]
Op-Ed: Why Is Everyone So Mean To Me?
People of America, I have a message for you all. Stop being big fat meanie jerkfaces! It’s not fair! It was my turn to be […]
Billionaire Casually Takes Snickers From Hotel Room Mini Bar
LAS VEGAS—Exhibiting utter disregard for the exorbitantly inflated price tag, billionaire media magnate Emil Donovan casually took a Snickers from the fully-stocked minibar of his […]
Study: All High School Janitors Actually Philosophers
LA JOLLA, CA—Researchers at the University of California, San Diego, announced the results of a comprehensive ten year study that proves without a doubt that […]
Report: Most LA Children In Favor Of Expanding Choo-Choo Train Lines
LOS ANGELES—Citing a severely underdeveloped public transportation network, a survey released by the Los Angeles Department of Transportation (LADOT) Tuesday found that at least 65% […]
Pita Chips Just An Excuse To Eat 7 Oz Of Hummus
LOS ANGELES — Local woman Evita Jacobs confirmed last Friday that the bag of pita chips she had purchased was just an excuse to eat […]
Area Woman Shazams DMV Hold Music
LOS ANGELES — Citing the incredible variety of smooth jazz that she heard while on hold for nearly 45 minutes today, local woman Susan Foreman […]
Teen Spends Hours Trying On Different Personalities
PORTLAND, OR—Posing in front of her bedroom mirror, 15-year-old Kaitlyn Howard tried on 72 different personalities in the span of five hours. “I like to […]