UC Berkeley Mysteriously Vanishes
BERKELEY — At approximately 4:20 PM, the East Bay was shocked to discover that their beloved campus of UC Berkeley had disappeared. “I’ve never seen […]
Life
5 Tips On How To Have A Jew-“ish” Passover Seder
1. Show up late. “Early” is on time, and “on time” is late? NAH! “On time” is as real as your aunt’s nose, and “late” […]
Opinion: Shut The Fuck Up About Coachella
An open letter to everyone on Instagram who is about to go to Coachella this weekend: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! I DO NOT CARE!!! I’m […]
UCLA Radio Announces Which Queer-Baiting Bay Area White Girl Has Won The Indie-Off
526 LANDFAIR — After secretly watching countless carabiner-clad brunettes with nose piercings attend their parties at the Compound backlot, the UCLA Radio Events team has […]
“Sensitive Young Man” Walk Interrupted By Campus Tour Guide
WESTWOOD — Last Thursday, one student’s weekly evening “sensitive young man” walk tragically got interrupted by a campus tour guide. “I was pacing around the […]
Health Tip: Swallow Your Zyns
The great historian Howard Zynn once said, “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.” Revising the revisionist, I say, “Dis Zyn is the highest form […]
Straight Basketball Players Unionize After Highest Gay Per Capita WNBA Draft
NEW YORK CITY — Straight WNBA players are more outnumbered than ever after the 2025 Draft, sparking the formation of the Straight Union of Ballers […]
Roommates Nationwide Participate in “Never Leave Your Fucking Bed” Challenge
WESTWOOD — According to the National Roommate Association, a dangerous new craze is sweeping the nation: the “Never Leave Your Fucking Bed” challenge. “HEYYYYYYY whatsgoinonguysitsyaboy […]
OPINION: Useless Sproul Laundry Machines Can’t Even Make Me Cum
Picture This: the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and I’m trying to be a good little girl and do my laundry on a […]
“Bruintizing” To Be Replaced With Getting Hit By A Scooter
WESTWOOD — Instead of having students dip their fingers into the Inverted Fountain, UCLA has now required future new Bruin initiations to only consist of […]