WESTWOOD — Instead of having students dip their fingers into the Inverted Fountain, UCLA has now required future new Bruin initiations to only consist of getting hit by a scooter. “Get Bruintized with a bruise! There’s no greater introduction to UCLA like walking to an 8am, getting struck by some doofus going 30 miles per hour, and getting put on hold at the Ashe Center for five hours while the nurses are on their perpetual lunch break,” said UCLA Housing head Casey Stone while a nearby horde of helmetless, AirPod-clad student athletes collapsed a tour group like bowling pins. “We had to adapt to modern times and get some wheels on the road. I’ll personally be training the NSAs to lead an 8-Clap every time someone gets crashed into.” At press time, Stone was running over a patched-up first-year limping out of the Ronald Reagan Medical Center.