STEM Major Still Has To Google Unit Circle
WESTWOOD — Third-year Applied Mathematics major William L’Hopital recently made sine waves last Friday when he was seen googling the unit circle in his upper-division […]
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“The Democrats Ought To Do Something,” Says Democratic Lawmaker Doing Nothing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of President Trump’s recent executive orders, Democratic lawmakers unanimously decided to finally stop him as long as each registered […]
Dorm Resident Hospitalized After Automatic Toilet Flushes Prematurely
WESTWOOD — The sixth-floor communal bathroom of Sproul Cove was struck by tragedy Friday evening after a horrific flush-sensor malfunction in the second stall hospitalized […]
Julio Frenk Promises Undocumented Students He Will Do “Absolutely Nothing” To Help Them
WESTWOOD — After demands from the undocumented student group IDEAS for the Chancellor to meet with them, Julio Frenk has announced in a campus-wide email […]
Douchebag Dogwhistle: Avoid Men Who Use The Phrase “Walkable Cities”
WESTWOOD — Disastrous reports from the Douchebag Research Institute (the minds that broke the Patagonia-vest epidemic and “being written by a woman”) claim that the […]
UCLA Reaffirms Commitment To Free Expression By Suspending Student Protests
WESTWOOD – In a video filmed from his blue void, Chancellor Julio Frenk reaffirmed the campus’s commitment to free expression by announcing the suspension of […]
Ruh Roh! Scooby-Doo Put Down
OHIO — Tragedy struck this morning as beloved speech-impaired dog Scooby-Doo was put down. “He, like, mauled an old guy for pretending he was a […]
Heartbreaking: Newborn Really Named Kyle
JACKSONVILLE, FL — New “boy mom” Karen Shields recently shocked her Facebook friends by announcing the birth of her terribly named son, Kyle. “When my […]
State Government Grants $5 Kohl’s Cash Stimulus To Fire Victims
WASHINGTON D.C. — Today, President Biden promised that all victims of the ongoing Southern California fires can expect to receive $5 Kohl’s Cash in their […]