WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of President Trump’s recent executive orders, Democratic lawmakers unanimously decided to finally stop him as long as each registered Democrat donates at least $25 to their local representative. “Twitter keeps telling us to grow a spine, but I’ll have you know that we’ve just assembled our finest octogenarians to investigate this issue, and we anticipate seeing some results by the 2030 midterms,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, an hour into the New York Times Mini. “In the meantime, while we crochet pink hats, silently hold up signs for the four people watching C-SPAN, and muster up the courage to say “fuck” in front of our constituents, make sure you’re registering all your friends to vote! Vote blue no matter who!” At press time, all Senate Democrats were unreachable for comment due to their 2 p.m. nap.
