New Documentary Reveals Existence Of Secret Fourth Beatle
LIVERPOOL — In stunning never-before-seen footage, the new documentary “The Beatles: Get Back” appears to suggest the existence of a previously unknown fourth member of […]
Culture
Gene Block Re-Releases 8 Clap (10 Minute Version)
WESTWOOD — Following UCLA football’s victory over USC, Gene Block has re-released a 10 minute version of UCLA’s 8 clap. “Stream now on Spotify, Apple […]
Thanksgiving Dinner Ruined By Grandpa’s Politics, And His Musty Fucking Breath
HOME — Grandpa Max ruined his family’s annual thanksgiving dinner by bringing up his insensitive antiquated politics and by having really smelly breath. “I think […]
Macy’s Thinks It’s About Time Deadbeat Nordstrom Hosts Parade For Once
NEW YORK CITY — In a statement given Thursday morning, Macy’s reaffirmed its displeasure with having to throw the annual Thanksgiving Day parade, calling upon […]
Thanksgiving Renamed To White Thursday
WASHINGTON — In the spirit of color coordination and honoring our colonial past, the White House has announced that Thanksgiving will be renamed White Thursday. […]
“It’s Giving: Thanks,” And Other Hip Phrases To Win Over Your 13-Year-Old Cousin At Thanksgiving
It’s almost time for Thanksgiving, which means a well-deserved respite from the quarter system: going home, eating delicious food, and reflecting on the plethora of […]
Skater Decides Walking Would Have Looked Way Cooler Than Wiping Out On Bruin Walk
WESTWOOD — After wiping out on Bruin Walk, skater Ken Bone decided he would have looked a lot cooler if he had walked instead. “At […]
Goldman Sachs Recruiters Use Picture Of Female Employee Twice On Diversity Slide
NEW YORK — This past week, recruiters at a Goldman Sachs information session were caught using the same image of a woman twice on a […]
Hentai Enthusiasts Sue “Squid Game” Creators For False Advertisement
LOS ANGELES — In a suit filed Monday, fans of the Japanese art form known as “hentai” alleged that streaming company Netflix had engaged in […]
Opinion: Your Sleeping Roommate Doesn’t Matter
You’ve woken up bright and early. 7:50 am on a Tuesday. You cast a glance at your smug roommate in their fortress of fluff. A […]