NEW YORK CITY — In a last-ditch effort to thwart frontrunner Zohran Mamdani, independent Andrew Cuomo has promised Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa undisclosed sexual favors to drop out of the mayoral race. “Mr. Cuomo’s proven track record of sexual misconduct is a testament to his forceful and passionate leadership style and a crucial source of common ground with President Trump,” said a spokesperson for the former governor, whose last hope of avoiding jail time is this election. “If Mr. Sliwa is willing to do the right thing for New York city, Mr. Cuomo is willing to show him una notte di passione.” At press time, Sliwa was undeterred: “Let’s be very clear: I am not dropping out, under no circumstances, unless Cuomo gets down on his knees and begs to fondle my Big Apples—one by one.”