Uh oh. Finals are already here, and despite saying you were going to “lock in next week” for the past nine weeks, you haven’t a clue what could be on them. With no time to spare, it’s time to start thinking outside the box – the pesky moral, ethical, and legal box.
1. Call in a bomb threat.
The oldest trick in the book. Unfortunately, you can’t yell “FIRE!” in a crowded lecture hall because someone might recognize you, but it’s incredibly easy to stroll up to the nearest payphone and generously place an anonymous tip as to the whereabouts of certain explosives, which may or may not be true. If you really want to go the extra mile, swing by the Electrical Engineering lab and grab one of the many bomb-adjacent gadgets and gizmos to sprinkle around campus for dramatic effect.
(Editor’s note: Please for the love of God do not actually do this)
2. Start another LA fire.
The worst part of the January fires was that we only got the first two weeks of the quarter off. We could do so much better! Say you happen to be walking in a field of dry grass with a lit cigarette, and the wind just happens to knock it out of your grasp. Whoopsie daisy! Give it a few hours and whaddya know, time to evacuate. Looks like summer came early.
3. Release a swarm of diseased rats.
Step 1: Round up a decent handful of rats from Feast or Sig Ep.
Step 2: Let some new diseases cook up by leaving them in a CS kids’ dorm for a few days. Or, if you get them from Sig Ep, chances are they probably already have mono.
Step 3: Like a modern-day Nosferatu, release your festering army of rodents at your desired location, and let the black omen of death permeate across the land, freeing students from the loathsome burden of final exams.
4. Detonate an EMP.
Do everyone a favor and activate a military-grade Electromagnetic Pulse in the center of campus, disabling all electronic devices for the foreseeable future. Return our society to a simpler time, free of emails, Reddit, and most importantly, finals. (Make sure to use my dark web affiliate link to get 20% off your first purchase: REDACTED)
5. Waterboard your TA for answers. (bonus Geneva Convention violation!)
Why let everyone off the hook when you could wreck the curve with a perfect score? With so many windowless rooms in Boelter that look like they came straight from Guantanamo Bay, you probably won’t even be the first to interrogate someone. All you need is a chair, some rope, a towel, a couple bottles of water, and maybe a black cloth bag for transporting your new mentor. This one might take a little bit of planning, but it still beats studying!
