Speaker On Bruinwalk To Blast “Pre-Med Pre-Health?” Every Ten Seconds

WESTWOOD — This Monday, at the peak of rush hour on Bruinwalk, a speaker programmed to blast “Pre-med? Pre-health?” made its debut in front of hundreds of innocent students. “Why not get to the fucking point?” said Heath Dockter, a loudly pre-med club leader who physically assaults anyone who ignores him, then attempts off-beat CPR while mouthing “Stayin’ Alive.” “Even if you try to avoid us, keeping your head down and avoiding eye contact, you won’t be able to escape the million-dollar question now that we’ve got a speaker. And if you think putting in headphones will save you, think again. This bad boy’s got as many decibels as a jet engine.” At press time, a new machine had been installed over Bruinwalk to rain a capella flyers down on unsuspecting passersby.

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