CVS Celebrates Fall With Pumpkin Spice Pepper Spray
LOS ANGELES— Since Monday morning, customers of the Consumer Value Store have been able to enjoy a new line of products that capture the holiday […]
LOS ANGELES— Since Monday morning, customers of the Consumer Value Store have been able to enjoy a new line of products that capture the holiday […]
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN — Spotify CEO Daniel Ek announced this morning that users without Spotify Premium can expect to see the statistic of “Times Spent Listening […]
TEL AVIV — In the midst of a nationwide Adderall shortage, procrastinating college students and people with ADHD are demanding increased production of the amphetamine, […]
WESTWOOD — First-year engineering major Bob Virgyn was surprised last Thursday night after his fortune cookie revealed the exact time and location of his death. […]
Fall is here, and you know what that means! Pumpkin spice, holiday breaks, and several hundred new roommates. That’s right, your apartment is crawling with […]
YOUR SILLY BRAIN — Despite a history of this very thing happening, you were once again shocked today when that phone call you’ve been putting […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. […]
LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]
Like many UCLA students, I had hoped to experience my first romance at this fine institution, but as an oft-ignored fellow, that moment seemed like […]
WESTWOOD — Due to recent budget cuts, Chancellor Gene Block has begun pushing for a new cost-cutting and productivity-boosting measure: murder. “Even if we shoot […]
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