WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. “Go out and get it, girlie,” said the commander-in-chief, cutting holes in the condoms in the White House bathrooms. “I know you young people have that ‘Hot Girl Summer,’ so I’m announcing ‘Fertile Girl Fall.’ If you’re looking for a partner, I’m at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Big white house. Can’t miss it.” At press time, Biden had typed ‘slow jams’ into the Spotify search bar.
